day one forty two – curse words, the other kennedy assassination, and porcupines

curse of the noldor

you should never curse
it weakens your argument
unless you’re a cunt

health code violation?

bobby kennedy
they shot him in a kitchen
next to the food?? GROSS

ode to the Erethizontidae

hello porcupine
you look so cute and cuddly
here let me OWWW FUCK!!!!

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day one forty one – einstein, obama, and defiant diabetics

it ain’t rocket science

they say that Einstein
said “e=mc2″
there’s no way that’s right

master detective

it took Obama
three years to find Bin Laden
way to go, Batman

bow down

hey diabetics
dare defy me? you shall pay
for such insulin

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day one forty – sandals, Khaaaaaaan, and shark senses

sand hells

hey sandal wearers
please invest in some real shoes
or else fuck right off

khan’t understand

Khan in Wrath of Khan
clearly read Moby Dick but
seemed to miss the point

great white

white sharks can smell blood
through ten miles of seawater
bet that gets old quick

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day one thirty nine – paintings that suck


fuck you smirking at?
what was so funny back then
illiteracy?


way to go Monet
you stand too close to this thing
it’s a fucking blur


wait wait I see it
it’s like a ship right? A boat?
ah shit I lost it

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day one thirty eight – the cost of postage, corn, and fiscal advice for those who raise bison

stamped out

do stamps cost more now?
I never mail anything
hold on I’ll find out

riveting story

I sure do like corn
I know that’s not interesting
whatever, fuck off

be responsible!

buffalo ranchers
don’t let your debts pile up – pay
your buffalo bills

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day one thirty seven – chess set purchasing, bruce lee, and raccoons

rook at me

when I buy chess sets
I always pay by check, mate
no pawn intended

g’day bruce

I could watch Bruce Lee
kick the shit out of people
every fucking day

ode to a procyonid

raccoons delight me
with their bandit mask faces
and love of garbage

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day one thirty six – dieting, country music venues, and nicknames

motivation

eat a tossed salad
why? because it’s good for you
you stupid fat fuck

spellcheck, y’all

the Grand Ole Opry
what the fuck is an opry?
way to spell, rednecks

by any other name

call me Candypants
its a family nickname
so please honor that

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day one thirty five – dinner plans, chimpanzees, and french royalty

to wong food – thanks for everything

 ordered chinese food
some dude came and gave me some
no real surprises
/
chimps ahoy
/
chimpanzees are great
they’re like big old teddy bears
that will eat your hands
/
le flipper
/
the dauphin of france
must get pretty pissed off when
he’s called the “dolphin”
/
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day one thirty four – tiny european countries


/
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some advice for France
invade fucking Monaco
I’m sick of their shit


hey San Marino
you ain’t Vatican City
stop acting like it


fuck you Andorra
what are you, French or Spanish?
pick a side assholes

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day one thirty three – a new business venture, sage advice, and hair metal

open for business

I’m starting a store
that sells exotic bird eggs
called “Fruit of the Loon”

so sayeth

Deign ye not to judge
that which ye see in others
or judge, I don’t care

too soon

the Scorpions sang
“rock you like a hurricane”
insensitive pricks*

*I wrote this the week of that hurricane that everybody was freaking out about. I probably should have posted it then.

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