day thirty four – presidential history, part three

hey Grover Cleveland
if LeBron heard your last name
he’d fuck you over*

Franklin Roosevelt
successful four-term leader
nice try polio

lawyer John Adams
defended British redcoats
that fucking traitor

*presumably on two non-consecutive occasions

day thirty three – dark prophecies and hoboes

turn off the dork

the spider man show
i am calling it right now
three deaths from wire work*

job search

i want a new job
one that is more rewarding
like hippie puncher


cardboard box livin
all the rage with the hoboes
I prefer a house

*for the record I wrote this a couple of weeks before that stuntman was seriously injured.  My thoughts and prayers go out to him, even though both of those things are pretty much worthless.

day thirty two – snakes ahoy!

coral burnett

deadly coral snakes
look just like harmless king snakes
nice fucking work God

monsters, inc

wish the internet
was a big furry monster
I’d call him Googlor


what up LeBron James
you sure screwed Cleveland over
like West did your mom

day thirty one – the night a dog stole my dinner

to my girlfriend’s roommate’s dog, who stole the one remaining porkchop off my plate when I turned my back for a fucking second

ill-behaved dachshund
you pork chop stealing monster

day at the office

this day sucks so much
like a retarded boa
it is long and dumb

tried to eat his way out

how did Han Solo
gain fifteen pounds while frozen
in that carbonite?

*my sister’s boyfriend Chris requested that I use the phrase “bag of dicks” in a haiku, and this is what happened.  Also, fuck you Showcase Showdown you deceitful cur

merry haiku-ristmas

I didn’t know what you wanted, so I made you some Christmas haikus!

left treats for Santa
but I think my dad ate them
jesus fucking christ

you know why Rudolph
has that shiny red nose right?
because he’s a drunk

elves make all the toys
while the fat man relaxes
slave driving bastard

when I read “Christmas”
sometimes my mind sees “Christ mast”
good name for a cross

day thirty – CHALLENGE!

once again Liz decided to fuck with me by issuing me a challenge!.  this time the rules were I had to write haikus about mold, cookies, and macadamia nuts, without using the words mold, cookies, or macadamia nuts.


so green and fuzzy
like Oscar the Grouch’s face
ruiner of breads


little pleasure discs
certain monsters like their taste
also fat people

macadamia nuts

salty island fruits
you make cookies taste better
ah shit i fucked up

day twenty nine – star trek, wordplay, and dumb holidays


how many damn times
did McCoy need to be told

word up

sounds like a term to describe
two snakes having sex

happy holiday

England’s Boxing Day
is when everyone buys gifts
for Marvin Hagler*

*by the way do you know what they drink at a Boxing Day party?  knockout punch heyoooooooooo