day one hundred eight – insects, native guides, and Creed

ant power

the wee fire ant
he is proof that god exists
and fucking hates us

indian giver

gave us the northwest – the first
oregon donor

a band apart

I like the band Creed
cause they were so talented
that was sarcasm

Top Ten Wednesday – top ten children’s books I plan to write

Let’s see Keanu do this.

10. Harry Potter and the Thing that Kills Hagrid

9. Why Did Grandma Stop Moving?

8. Wilt Chamberlain and the Ten Thousand Conquests

7. The Adventures of Butterface

6. Don’t Give the Honey Badger Angel Dust!

5. Everybody Hurts (co-written with Michael Stipe)

4. The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day on Normandy Beach

3. Mr. Nutria’s Wild Ride

2. Daddy’s Special Bottle

1. Take These Pills and Shut Up

day one hundred seven – the perfidious treachery of keanu reeves

These are written in response to this fucking bullshit.

hey Keanu Reeves
way to steal my idea
you fucking butthead

why you do this man
i don’t come where you work and
act badly in films

no oscars? shocking
actors tend to get them for
depicting retards

day one hundred six – BEAUTY PAGEANTS

These are in honor of my sister who finished in the top ten of the Miss New Mexico competition over the weekend (miss Rio Rancho, pictured).

drop dead gorgeous

in beauty pageants
the girls should display talent
but not for murder

greatest american hero

Miss America
like Captain America
with a tiara
astronomical odds

hey Miss Universe
some women from Jupiter
want a word with you

day one hundred five – all you can eat, astrology, and mythical exoneration

golden shower

the Golden Corral
a great place to go to eat
if you’re super poor

pickup line

what’s your sign baby?
Saggitarius, you say
well who gives a fuck

mistrials daughter

due to advances
in DNA evidence
release the Kraken

day one hundred three – avian exchange rates, female mysteries, and annoying heirlooms

bird of a nation

a bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush, so
all bush birds half price

where woman

women are strange beasts
moods tied to the moon’s cycles
they’re just like werewolves

grandfathered in

hey grandfather clocks
stop showing us all photos
of your clock grandkids

wednesday top 10 – top 11 little known facts about Bruce Lee

11. combed his hair with a live Bengal tiger

10. secreted a venom highly prized by the pharmaceutical industry

9. was a direct descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings

8. invented his own unique form of martial art he called “karate”

7. allergic to pecans

6. only defeated in combat once – by Voltron*

5. twice elected governor of Missouri, but declined to serve

4. real life inspiration for Wally Lamb’s “She’s Come Undone”

3. could perform a handstand (with assistance)

2. liked elephants

1. was Asian

*the spaceship one, not the lion one