day one forty – sandals, Khaaaaaaan, and shark senses

sand hells

hey sandal wearers
please invest in some real shoes
or else fuck right off

khan’t understand

Khan in Wrath of Khan
clearly read Moby Dick but
seemed to miss the point

great white

white sharks can smell blood
through ten miles of seawater
bet that gets old quick

day one thirty eight – the cost of postage, corn, and fiscal advice for those who raise bison

stamped out

do stamps cost more now?
I never mail anything
hold on I’ll find out

riveting story

I sure do like corn
I know that’s not interesting
whatever, fuck off

be responsible!

buffalo ranchers
don’t let your debts pile up – pay
your buffalo bills

day one thirty seven – chess set purchasing, bruce lee, and raccoons

rook at me

when I buy chess sets
I always pay by check, mate
no pawn intended

g’day bruce

I could watch Bruce Lee
kick the shit out of people
every fucking day

ode to a procyonid

raccoons delight me
with their bandit mask faces
and love of garbage

day one thirty six – dieting, country music venues, and nicknames


eat a tossed salad
why? because it’s good for you
you stupid fat fuck

spellcheck, y’all

the Grand Ole Opry
what the fuck is an opry?
way to spell, rednecks

by any other name

call me Candypants
its a family nickname
so please honor that

day one thirty five – dinner plans, chimpanzees, and french royalty

to wong food – thanks for everything

 ordered chinese food
some dude came and gave me some
no real surprises
chimps ahoy
chimpanzees are great
they’re like big old teddy bears
that will eat your hands
le flipper
the dauphin of france
must get pretty pissed off when
he’s called the “dolphin”

day one thirty three – a new business venture, sage advice, and hair metal

open for business

I’m starting a store
that sells exotic bird eggs
called “Fruit of the Loon”

so sayeth

Deign ye not to judge
that which ye see in others
or judge, I don’t care

too soon

the Scorpions sang
“rock you like a hurricane”
insensitive pricks*

*I wrote this the week of that hurricane that everybody was freaking out about. I probably should have posted it then.

day one thirty two – just to clarify

The other day Liz challenged me to write three haikus with the phrase “just to clarify” in them. In your face, Liz.

just to clarify
when a man says you’re pretty
he just means your boobs

most Russian people
are not vampires from Neptune
just to clarify

just to clarify
when I said that you suck I
meant in general

day one thirty one – crime, clown mythology, and a zen koan

crime of the century

they say crime don’t pay
some crimes pay less than others
like say pony rape

attack of the clowns

if a clown bites you
you have to kill the head clown
or turn into one


if a tree falls down
with no one there to hear it
should I fucking care