day one thirty two – just to clarify

The other day Liz challenged me to write three haikus with the phrase “just to clarify” in them. In your face, Liz.

just to clarify
when a man says you’re pretty
he just means your boobs

most Russian people
are not vampires from Neptune
just to clarify

just to clarify
when I said that you suck I
meant in general

day eighty seven – CHALLENGE! – cloud formations

the challenge was to write haikus about cloud formations.  I decided that the person describing the cloud formations is stoned.

/


cumulonimbus
just picture Zeus on them shits
yeah fuckin Zeus man

/


cirrus fibratus
I think I see birds up there
whoa, “birds” sounds like “beards”…

/


mesospheric clouds
them things is as high as fuck
I’m so hungry dude

day seventy six – CHALLENGE! apples (?)

Three haikus about apples.  This was the hardest challenge yet, as you can probably tell from the third one, at which point I had pretty much given up.

 

education

three apples high
would be a good name for a
smurfs-only high school

 

apple bum

in the Depression
many people sold apples
yeah pencils too, MOM

crapple

apple dapple doo
I’ve got a message for you
go eat an apple


day sixty six – CHALLENGE! – charlie sheen

I have to admit that when this challenge was issued, I hadn’t really been following any of the Charlie Sheen stuff.  So I just made up some facts about him and then wrote haikus about those facts:

/

amazing actor
no one could forget him in
Apocalypse Now

all that great success
you’d never guess he’s only
fourteen inches tall

when god took his rib
to make the sky and the stars?
man that was awesome

/

…but the judges were not amused.  So I spent five minutes on the internet and came up with the following:

/

he has tiger blood
and poetry in his fingertips
fuck Emilio

 

when he takes a nap
its like an F-15 jet
HE SLEEPS AT MACH THREE

 

Two and a Half Men
dont know who they fuckin with
he bangs goddesses!

 

he is on a drug
that drug is called Charlie Sheen
and also cocaine

 

I have concluded from my research that he is a little crazy.  Thank you.

 

 

day forty – challenge! – cities with the letter “x” in them

on this day Liz REALLY wanted to fuck with me for some reason, telling me my haikus had to be about cities with the letter “x” in them. I was about to shoot myself before I remembered Mexico.


Mexico City
or as some like to call it
diarrheaville

/


sunny Oaxaca
your chief export is sugar
or something, who cares

/


wow Texarkana
finally a place worse than
diarrheaville

day thirty – CHALLENGE!

once again Liz decided to fuck with me by issuing me a challenge!.  this time the rules were I had to write haikus about mold, cookies, and macadamia nuts, without using the words mold, cookies, or macadamia nuts.

mold

so green and fuzzy
like Oscar the Grouch’s face
ruiner of breads

cookies

little pleasure discs
certain monsters like their taste
also fat people

macadamia nuts

salty island fruits
you make cookies taste better
ah shit i fucked up

day eighteen – alternate universe edition

Liz wanted to fuck with me, so the assigned theme for this day was alternate universes.

hey on some parallel earth
this right here could be
a fully valid haiku

I bet that the other me
has a kick ass car
man I fucking hate that guy

in the other universe
the Mets are still bad
so horrible at ballbase

see what I did there?  high five!