day one twenty seven – instructions for dangerous situations

if a man pulls a gun on you

back away slowly
into a Bengal tiger
then throw it at him

in case of a shark attack

first thing you must do
is get out of the water
then go home I guess

if a meteor is hurtling at you

one thing you can try
is what the dinosaurs did
go fucking extinct

day one hundred twenty-two – Game of Thrones

Yes, I finally got around to doing this.




Tyrion the Dwarf
though he be small in stature
hes got a large head

Princess Danerys
please find some more excuses
for her to be nude

Joffrey Lannister
might kindly be described as
Draco Malfoy-ish

day one hundred eighteen – musical instruments that need to be taken down a peg


the “grand” piano??
so what, you’re black and shiny
so’s Patrick Ewing

while I am at it
what is with “piano black”?
sounds like a Bond girl


fucking piccolos??
look guys, its a tiny flute!
get over yourself


goddamn harpsichords
you make the worst sound on earth

day one hundred fifteen – three people that have never been in my kitchen

John Ratzenberger
you were in Empire Strikes Back
and all the Pixars

Jason Schwartzman-san
is what he’s called in Japan
that dumb hipster fuck

dear Alex Trebek
the question is: do you suck?
the answer is yes

day one hundred twelve – america’s next top model

I wrote these while watching America’s Next Top Model, or as we massive fans call it, ANTM. Actually I hate it.






these girls are so DUMB
if this was still caveman days
theyd be mammoth food

whats up there Miss Jay
you’re nice but seriously
what the fuck are you

Tyra fucking Banks
as mad as Caligula
but with bigger thighs

day one hundred seven – the perfidious treachery of keanu reeves

These are written in response to this fucking bullshit.

hey Keanu Reeves
way to steal my idea
you fucking butthead

why you do this man
i don’t come where you work and
act badly in films

no oscars? shocking
actors tend to get them for
depicting retards

day one hundred six – BEAUTY PAGEANTS

These are in honor of my sister who finished in the top ten of the Miss New Mexico competition over the weekend (miss Rio Rancho, pictured).

drop dead gorgeous

in beauty pageants
the girls should display talent
but not for murder

greatest american hero

Miss America
like Captain America
with a tiara
astronomical odds

hey Miss Universe
some women from Jupiter
want a word with you